Raw Thoughts

Woah, have I truly let myself down lately!

I’ve completely lost sight of the concept of small goals and it’s leading me into a self-fulfilling prophecy of failures. Every minute, I’m stressing about my project and the thought of it makes me avoid it, resulting in the work not getting done and my goals not being met.

I have extreme difficulty in accepting that time will not stop and that I will never get back time lost, and in the process, I waste my time to avoid the thought of it.

I have chore after chore I have to complete and haven’t in weeks because the thought of doing it and facing possible consequences is too stressful for me.

Everything seemed to be against me, and when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it definitely did. I am no longer sensing a feeling of happiness or even satisfaction. I’m finding myself in doubt of my actions, my thoughts, my feelings and my relationship. I’m desperate for help but no longer know how to ask for it in case it’s just me being “a borderline”. I have developed a bald spot from my trichotillomania and some other things I am not proud of.

I’m bouncing from coping mechanism to coping mechanism, practically all negative, trying to make sense of myself, and my only sense of relief seems to be in shutting the world away and escaping to a new world, but I feel foolish when I attempt to do it alone, and frankly, I get bored.

I’m at a loss for words. One day, I’m on top of the world, and the next, I’m down in the dumps. I don’t understand how to stabilize myself, especially in this time of change and acceptance.

I had taken BPD specific treatment and I was well on my way to recovery, but somewhere in the good, a mess began to form. I no longer feel my conditions and disorders are valid, I don’t feel my word matters, and I am losing my will to live. I was nearly clear of all suicidal thoughts, but visuals slipped into my mind and it was something I truly considered today, and that concept scares me.I am desperately trying to ask for help and making direct statements that prove I have done something to myself or that I may even need future hospitalization, without being “an attention seeking borderline” and it hasn’t worked. I haven’t quite grasped the concept of being open and that not being a form of attention seeking, so often stated by the therapy I attended.

I’m very exhausted of being misunderstood, unmotivated and alone. All I’m trying to do is keep someone around and feel as though I matter and that I am loved, but that concept also terrifies me.

I feel ridiculous for wanting help, and truthfully, do not feel worth it. Nothing I am experiencing seems to be justified or accepted by my surroundings because I’m much better than I used to be. I am trying to stray from borderline behaviour, but being caught in that thought process is causing me to close in on myself and implode.  I don’t feel okay. I don’t feel like I can express myself or open up anymore. I don’t feel like any self-harm behaviour is respected and I’m paranoid it is being seen as a petty act for attention instead of the release of pain it is on myself.

I am desperate to feel alive, to feel wanted, to feel useful. But in the process, I am feeling more dead, lost, and lifeless.

To the readers of Sloth Speed Recovery, every article and post you read that I produce is encouraging. Lately, I feel incapable of providing unemotional and impersonal advice, let alone posts. My self-help posts are hard to produce when I am struggling to help and be proud of my own self. For the next while, I would say to expect personal posts from me, though I will try to produce a self-help post as soon as I feel better. I appreciate all of you and I am sending my love to you. I believe in you, even if you don’t believe in yourself at the moment. You are amazing.

To my loved ones, if you stumble across this post or if I’ve shared this with you, I am asking you for help and no longer feel able or safe to tell you how I feel. I need lengthy conversations with you, and your continuous support. Just because I seem to be doing better, does not mean I am or that it will last. I need you to be nonjudgmental and offer me your time when it’s convenient for you (so we avoid my feelings of abandonment when you can’t be around). If you are feeling a specific way, reassure me you feel this way and that you love me. If I am making statements that may portray a lack of safety, do not overreact, but be there for me. My conditions are eating me alive lately and I need to know that I am not alone. I really need you.

2 thoughts on “Raw Thoughts

    • I am so glad this post could offer her help. Let her know that she is not alone and that Sloth Speed Recovery will always be here. She can also ask advice from our contact page if she ever needs it, and we will not directly mention her.


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