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What Suicide Has Taught Me

what suicide has taught me, sloth speed recovery, www.slothspeedrecovery.wordpress.com, suicidal, bpd, borderline personality disorder

I’ve watched my mother deal through the grief of my grandpa’s and aunt’s suicide; the constant pain she felt and the way she teared up on their birthdays or suicide anniversaries. She hadn’t told me these were suicides; I would’ve been too young to understand.

I remember standing on the main floor, hearing my mom huddle into a pillow over the death of her father and I couldn’t comprehend it. I was only a toddler.

Why is it that, the day after my birthday, Matante killed herself and my mom had to leave with no explanation? I wanted to come with, but she couldn’t bare to tell me.

To this day, she is wounded by these suicides, and it has left a void that is way too visible.

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Suicide was a part of the family genes, but I was lucky enough to have been a child and have no understanding of taking ones own life. Until I was 15 years old, and my brother’s friend jumped in front of a train. I didn’t know him the way my brother did, but I knew him better than anyone else from school did, and he chose to end his life.

I, too, was struggling with suicidal thoughts at the time and connected on a deeper level with him. He did what I didn’t have the guts to do, I thought.

Over the months, I developed PTSD symptoms. I could see him; the terror in his eyes as the train approached and that force dragging him to be hit. I could feel his body flinging in the air and studied the direction his body would go depending on how he chose to jump. My mind was a gruesome minefield and he was the picture etched into my skull.

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His suicide ripped me to shreds; I lost a good portion of my hair and was no longer functional. I declined in school and in my extracurricular activities, and I was more suicidal than I had ever been.

Since then, I’ve learned a lot about suicide, about myself, and how I truly feel about suicide.


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Life Is Worth Living. People say this all the time without true emotion behind it, but I know how true this statement is.

Everyday, I get to see the sunshine, the smiling faces of the people around me and watch myself grow into a beautiful young woman with all the capabilities in the world. I get to watch my brother who was supposed to pass at the age of 16, grow into his twenties, and join my family for some of the most memorable holidays.

I started my writing career, which has been my dream since I was a child, and I couldn’t imagine deceiving myself in that way. Had I gone ahead and ended my life, I wouldn’t be able to see my abilities convey themselves onto pieces of paper. Sure, my work isn’t perfect but it never had to be. It just has to be the best I can do, which is a reward in itself.

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You don’t get rid of pain; you pass it on. It isn’t right for anyone to guilt trip you when you’re considering suicide because, that shouldn’t be the reason you choose to stay. You should choose to stay because you deserve life and you are able to be great.

But, there is truth in the statement “you don’t end the pain, you pass it on.” I’ve witnessed and experienced it. You don’t need to be family to have an impact on someone through a suicide; being an acquaintance is enough to affect someone in abundance.

Your pain is molded and transferred in a tragic way to nearly everyone who has come into contact with you, and it’s distressing to see.

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No; no one would be happier if you died. When we experience suicidal feelings, we often feel unwanted or unloved because someone may be experiencing feelings of frustration or anger towards us, but this does not mean they would be happier if we were gone. Even if they claim they want you to kill yourself, they don’t mean it. In reality, there would be great amounts of guilt on their part and they would be distraught with themselves for ever mistreating you; questioning themselves regarding their involvement.

I’m sure my grandfather thought the same way; maybe he felt he was a burden to his family. But, because of his death, I have a forever mourning mother, and I have been robbed of an important relationship with him. He promised to take me fishing with him; leaving me behind at such a young age to go with my siblings. He was supposed to be present in my life, teach me lessons and watch me grow, but he absented himself.

I am not happier that he died, nor is my mom or any of his relatives. There is no bad he could’ve done to make us feel happier without him.

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It’s a thought that can be changed. Suicidal thoughts stem from trauma or a mental illness; we are so desperate to end the pain and grief that we search for a way out. It is often said that people commit suicide because they want the pain to stop.

When you commit suicide, that pain never gets a chance to stop or evolve into something beautiful. It’s only a thought, a feeling, and it can be changed with persistence and a desire to change. You must convince yourself otherwise and move towards a healthy lifestyle that strays you from suicidal urges.

It is possible to live a happy life, and we want you to see it.

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Nothing will change if we don’t try. Since my brother’s friend passed, my life has gone full circle. It was worse before it got better. I was homeless twice, went to a treatment center, completed high school, was in a bad relationship and got out of it, have gotten my own place and got so far in recovery that I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

Had I gone along and committed suicide, nothing would’ve gotten better. I would’ve never been able to see all the beautiful things I have now. I would’ve left during the worst time of my life, without giving myself a chance to become an adult and understand the world around me.

What a joy life is; and I am damn grateful I never succeeded during my suicide attempts.


If you are suicidal or experiencing crisis, please contact your local crisis line. 

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10 Things Borderlines Deal With Daily

Borderline Personality Disorder is a very intense disorder of behaviour and intensified emotions, often described by medical professionals as a roller coaster. Trauma and other factors contribute to the formation of ones personality, and borderlines experience extremes daily. Though the disorder may not be seen on the exterior, it is very real and is hard for anyone to understand, even one living with the condition.


The following are common daily occurrences for the average borderline, and may help you to understand the condition better.

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Fear of Abandonment. The most common Borderline trait is the fear of abandonment, and it is an everyday occurrence. As people grow older, they realize that people leave their lives, but we have witnessed it repeatedly in unnecessary forms. It could just be assumed abandonment or, other situations may feel like it. Having to leave a phone call, a coworker leaving work or having to say goodbye to a guest, though inevitable, can feel like abandonment. It is a repetitive pattern we’ve experienced which may seem irrational, but is a true fear.

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Unstable and Intense Emotions. It is no secret that borderlines can climb the emotional ladder and come down again in a matter of seconds. It may be an overwhelming trait, but it is hell to live with. Our emotions fluctuate and they lean so far to extremes that we may not be able to cope. A negative comment from a friend can upset us at first, and then spiral out into self-harming thoughts and behaviours. In very intense cases, the individual may not be able to function in everyday activities and may require disability funds.

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Feelings of Emptiness. Our intense emotions unfortunately includes emptiness. We may lie there, emotionless, trying to muster up reason for our living and life itself. Being empty can lead someone to risky behaviour and dissociation to retrieve feeling. Dissociation cannot be entirely controlled, but ones body resorts to this to escape trauma and an overflow of emotions. Emptiness can quickly lead to suicidal thoughts and actions as it can be mistaken as worthlessness, thus being a very dangerous emotion.

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Anxiety. Not all borderlines have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, though most do experience it. We constantly experience fear and worry. We stress over other people’s thoughts and emotions in response to our own, becoming terrified of what they could do. We understand that our vulnerability can be used against us and we may end up hurt. Not to mention, there is anxiety revolving everyday activities, along with overanalysing everyone around us. We are apprehensive of the possibility of someone not liking us along with their ability to harm us, which is ultimately terrifying.

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Self-Doubt and Self-Hate. Everyone doubts and judges parts of themselves they don’t love, but those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder experience it on an overwhelming level. We are uncertain about ourselves, our capabilities and our talents. Most of us have been continuously reminded in childhood of our wrongs, with our goods taking a back seat. The lack of acknowledgement of accomplishments in our childhood make it hard for us to see how amazing we really are. This self-doubt can affect our everyday functioning as we may not believe we are capable of handling phone calls, writing something down or preparing something for someone. When these emotions intensify, we become extremely self-destructive and implode, causing dangerous outcomes and needs for hospitalization. Understanding that we are valid human beings takes time, but can be achieved with constant Dialectal Behavioural Therapy.

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Boredom. Enduring boredom with Borderline is a complicated struggle. It is just as intense as any other emotion. Our response to this can be very unhealthy. To cope, we respond in extreme ways that are often self-destructive. Commonly, we turn to alcohol, drugs, risky sex, overspending, gambling and poor career decisions, all to reach satisfaction.

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Suicidal/Self-Harm Thoughts. It will never be easy to swallow, but we face this daily. It is agonizing to fight, but most of us manage to see the end of the day due to our strength and resiliency. We often consider these as options as a way to cope, but we fight our hardest not to resort to them.

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Identity Struggles. Have you ever noticed someone with Borderline hop job to job, getting invested in multiple hobbies, trying to start a career under a specific light, but quickly switching to a new approach? It isn’t strange for diagnosed BPD individuals to do this, and it can be draining to do. We may crave a label to identify us, so we can understand ourselves better, but it usually leaves us lost. It is a way to combat emptiness and boredom.

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Paranoia and Sensory Overload. Borderline Personality Disorder may not be a psychotic condition, but we are subject to slight psychotic symptoms. In states of worry and fear, we may become overly aware and paranoid, believing that we are being stalked, or someone’s next victim. When out at a local store, we can stress over the amount of noise and crowds, along with vivid colours and brash movements. This could be a subconscious way to cope with anxieties and mistrust.

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Rejection from Medical Professionals. The majority of borderlines who have sought out medical attention can tell you that you will be denied and stereotyped at one point for your disorder by mental health and medical professionals. There is a large stigma around BPD and most professionals do not want to work with us because of the intense emotions, dependencies and constant suicidal feelings.

As sad as it is, they would be liable for our actions, especially if we threaten suicide and they don’t take us seriously. BPD individuals make many threats because of emotional intensity, and they cannot send us to the hospital every appointment, but a misassesment could cause them an upheaval of legal problems. It is possible to find a therapist that will work with Borderline, but it may be a struggle if you haven’t begun recovery as they will refuse to engage the comfortable Borderline behaviours we are accustom to.

Being refused treatment can bring us down and make us believe that we aren’t worthy of help, but we are, and we deserve to feel better. Attending Dialectal Behavioural Therapy regularly and practicing healthy coping mechanisms can be the path to a healthy and happy lifestyle.


 

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The Suicide Stalker

I’ll be entirely fine, having a decent day. I’m eating, taking care of hygiene, taking my medications, enjoying the sunshine… But something changes. A bad interaction, anxiety, my trichotillomania kicks in or I just end up too depressed for anything, and then everything changes…

I don’t understand how I can go from okay to just not okay. I’ll be having a grand day, but something has to be said to destroy me. I’m just trying to get by but I can’t shake the demonic thoughts that persuade me and encourage me to destroy myself. I’ll convince myself that I am cured, recovered and okay, but the next moment, I’m contemplating suicide. I just can’t get away from my suicidal thoughts, depression and Borderline.

I’m stuck in an never ending loop. The darkness is all around me and I am drowning, and nobody is there to save me. I feel so alone and lost, and like I could die off and the world would not be concerned.

I am trying with all of my heart and soul to keep my life going but it’s debilitating, and I’m really losing sight of my life and well being. It seems that I’m well on my way to being awful again, unable to function.

My inability to function is destroying opportunities, my relationships and my life and I just don’t know how to get a hold anymore. And when that sinks in, I always contemplate suicide… I am being stalked and followed by my own suicidal desires and my unstable mindset. I am fighting with all of my will power, but I am losing myself…

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Unofficial Support Systems

unofficial support systems so you're on the waiting list. crumbled paper. slothspeedrecovery

A support system is highly required in our recovery, when we are struggling, to help us feel less alone and have people we can be open with. We cannot carry all of our pain constantly without relief, but what if we don’t have the funds to get a therapist or we’re on a waiting list? We must build ourselves a support system in the mean time to keep things under control.

Before establishing ourselves with a system, we must first analyse what our problems are and how we interact with people. Personally, I have borderline personality disorder being my biggest struggle; I am overly emotional and can find struggles in everyday chores and activities, from showering to interacting with people. When I have found someone I trust in the past, I have relied on them intensely, which raised anxieties for both parties and evidently built a distance, not helping with a common BPD problem of abandonment issues. Thus, I am aware that relying on friends and close parties should not be a main part of my support system, and learning to deal with everyday struggles ON MY OWN is a requirement. Common everyday things shouldn’t be as hard to handle as I make them.

Once you’ve hashed this out, knowing what is best for you, though possibly uncomfortable, you can deem which forms of support are best for you.

Following will be different forms of support systems, their descriptions, their pros and cons.

 

Hotlines. Hotlines are a phone number, often toll free, which you can call to talk with a worker who will try to guide and assist you, sometimes offering resources in your area. They are often suggested by various forms of social workers and therapists when they cannot offer constant assistance and believe you need extra support, especially in crisis mode. They will request general information of you, such as your age, (possibly) gender, and current situation. Phone calls can be brief or intensive and the help they offer varies. Hotlines are highly recommended and are a great option, though sometimes, workers do not handle intense emotions properly.

Pros:

  • It is one of the quickest ways to receive assistance, especially in a crisis situation.
  • Majority of experiences are positive, helping the individual feel a better after the phone call.
  • They can provide resources around your area to better assist you for after care.
  • Since they are toll free, you do not require a functioning cell phone and can reach them with a pay phone or even an app when connected to the internet for the call.
  • It is a private experience where they are not allowed to share your information (unless you threaten harm to yourself or someone else)

Cons:

  • Some hotlines have a brief waiting period which can be a few seconds or several minutes, and in a crisis situation, this could be too much waiting time.
  • You will not be able to guarantee who you will be connecting to, and it is improbable you will connect with a worker you’ve talked to in the past. It is not a long term option.
  • If your situation is based on past events, you will be asked to explain it all or they may not understand your situation.
  • Some workers do not deal well with anger.
  • There will always be good and bad experiences.

 

Drop in therapists. Drop in therapists are skilled workers who can offer assistance when needed and are qualified to do so. They can be a temporary support and be someone able to listen to you and be of help.

Pros:

  • No waiting lists.
  • They can be an outsider to your situation, better able to view the situation without an emotional opinion.
  • There are plenty available (in North America).
  • It can be an easy option when in a slight crisis and in need of immediate support.

Cons:

  • They may ask a fee, though can be specified to your situation.
  • The line up may be long prior to you and could be a few hours of waiting time.
  • They will be lacking a profile of your history and may be offering very generalized help which may not be entirely helpful to your personal situation.
  • If you struggle with trust, you may find yourself able to open up.

 

Group therapy. Group therapy settings vary; some could be just chatting and others very structured and based on specific techniques. This form of support could be very beneficial in building friendships and trust relationships with others going through similar things, where you can depend on one another and be each other’s helpers, with assistance of a third party or professional. It would be an ideal environment to have structure and have the capability to share and open up, whilst learning coping mechanisms that could truly help.

Pros:

  • Other’s going through similar things in which you could relate to.
  • Often accompanied with a professional guiding the group and offering helpful coping techniques.
  • Getting out of the house and having your own activity you participate in.

Cons:

  • Could be deemed too public for some individuals who are more reserved and would prefer a private therapist.
  • Waiting lists and could be hard to get transportation to (including parking).

 

Family and friends. Having family and friends to depend on could be lovely; they are comprehensive of a good portion of your history and understand your needs in intricate situations. They may be more capable of deeming what would work and what wouldn’t for you, taking your emotions  and mental health into consideration.

Pros:

  • They are comprehensive to your personal needs.
  • True supportive friends and family members will do their best not to judge and try to be there for you as much as possible.
  • Most family and friends want to be of assistance to you.

Cons:

  • Getting too personal and dependent could jeopardize the relationship.
  • They are not able of providing professional advice.
  • Privacy is not guaranteed.

 

7 Cups of Tea. 7 Cups of Tea is a website where you can connect with “listeners” who are trained with a listener program to speak with you and offer assistance. They can be rated and will have a profile which you can view for more information on their capabilities to help you specifically. Though the traditional form of help on the website, you also have access to group chats, quizzes and courses you can take, all in pursuit of higher rankings and goals.

Pros:

  • Forms of a community.
  • Interactive with goals to achieve.
  • Listeners are everyday people with a specific training to be listeners on the website.
  • You can connect with a listener and reconnect with them at a later date if they were of help.
  • There are constant updates as they try to better the site, often requesting for your input.

Cons:

  • Some listeners are not as qualified or understanding of how to communicate in crisis situations.
  • Waiting time can go from a few minutes to several dozens, depending on the volume of listeners online.
  • I found it hard to get involved with the amount of available things to do and disinterest in tutorials.

 

Online Communities. Online communities can be formed from anywhere, be that Tumblr, Instagram, blogs and forums. People around the world are offering assistance to one another, especially in respects to mental health and how to cope with specific disorders and conditions.

Pros:

  • Relatable people to talk with.
  • Friendships easily form from these types of communities.
  • Trigger points in many of these communities (such as the depression and self harm side of tumblr)

Cons:

  • Other people may also be looking for support and can hinder on your recovery.
  • Though friendships and support systems can be made, getting personal with specific individuals is highly unrecommended. People have their own things going on and drama can arise, causing more stress.

 

Journal. A journal can be your own escape where you can share your thoughts and feelings without outside judgment or opinions. You can write freely about any topic you want, it’s your own free space and it’s inexpensive.

Pros:

  • Judgement free zone.
  • Innexpensive.
  • Customizable.

Cons:

  • No outside opinion; no third party assistance.
  • No thought guidance or suggestions.

 

Yourself. This one won’t have separate pros and cons, but will be contained in a paragraph. Depending on yourself can be freeing and teach you to cope with life in new ways. It will be trial and error and times will be tough, but you will know that you have your own back and that, whatever happens, you will be able to carry your weight. As time goes on, you will experience your true potential and become understanding that you are capable and, things that were harder before, have become much easier. You will be in charge of your recovery, looking for resources and being your own therapist; ultimately, you are the person who is most understanding of yourself. You know your limits and will become aware of your pace. You will never leave yourself.

 

It is best implemented to have several methods you use; having options in various situations. Things will require trial and error; learning to understand what will work for you and what just worsens your condition. But, eventually, you will have a method that works specifically for you, and hopefully, will hep until you are contacted or are ready to contact a long term therapist.