Diagnosed With OCD

How did the therapists and doctors completely miss the 7 year old obsessed with washing her hands to the point where she bled through cracked skin? How did the doctors miss the preteen too afraid to let her parents leave the room without the last thing being spoken to them from her was “I love you” because she was so god damn scared they’d die if they left the room? How did they miss her obsession with time, and her inability to sleep, leading her to be in bed at 7pm so she could eventually fall asleep and get a decent amount of sleep?

How is it that I’ve seen over a dozen psychologist/therapists over the years, 4 psychiatrists and so many other professionals and only NOW has a psychiatrist picked up on the fact that I have OCD.

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I have been recently diagnosed with OCD, and though it makes complete sense in some respects, it’s opened up a world of confusion in other areas of my life. I feel so disheveled by the diagnosis, and I’m stuck questioning every single aspect of my life and personality, trying to assess if it’s OCD or a true part of me.

I was going through a distressing period over the last few months where I was having violent and intrusive thoughts that I had no control over. The ones I loved most were wounded by my hands and I didn’t understand it. I genuinely thought I was experiencing psychosis or that I was inevitably going to become a murderer unless I found control. That symptom seemed to be what truly uncovered my OCD diagnosis.

When the psychiatrist looked at me and gave me this label, my chest sunk as I sensed a wave of relief I didn’t quite understand. Tears stung my eyes as my lungs seemed to sink in an ocean of water, struggling to breathe. It was wonderful to know that there was something I could do about it and that I wasn’t inherently bad, but I was puzzled by everything else this diagnosis could mean.

Nearly every second of my recent waking hours is spent in a frustrating questionnaire regarding myself. Is my disgust for wet skin a symptom? How about my fear of imperfection? My verbal compulsions? How about the way I ask for constant reassurance? What does my OCD look like?

I need someone to sit with me and explain every aspect of my own version of OCD so that I may find a split between what is truly me and what has been OCD all along. I’m not sure I see a difference or separation between the two, which is absolutely terrifying to me.

I feel completely engulfed and I just want to understand myself. I want to be in control.

I’m not sure what this means for my future…

 

I will be documenting my journey with OCD on this blog. An OCD section will be added to the Mental Illness drop box.

Cured From BPD?

I got diagnosed at the mere age of 14, after a serious suicide attempt that landed me in the hospital. I was so confused with the diagnosis because, my psychiatrist at the time wasn’t someone I particularly liked, and that’s due to her never giving me the feeling that she was actually listening.

After a few years, and having been in an inpatient treatment center, I began to understand where this disorder came from and which behaviours were inhibited by the disorder, and which were under my control.

I have moved away from home now, and haven’t been homeless in a year. Things are looking up for me, but I’ve lost such a fundamental part of my identity, I thought.

I didn’t realize it but, I identified with Borderline for so many years and, now that I’m no longer overly symptomatic, I don’t understand myself anymore. It’s as if a piece of me was robbed and my identity is dwindling in the air, waiting for someone to stick a new label onto it.

The loss of BPD means the loss of my extreme anger which fueled extreme motivation for this blog. It has ceased any sight of improvement and has left me quite empty.

When I identified with my diagnosis, I felt more complete. Everyday, I had a goal to overcome this fight, which has now just disappeared. It feels as though I have nothing to look forward to, and my creative spark has died due to this.

I’m not sure if my BPD has morphed into something entirely different; a lot more dangerous, or if it’s disintegrating along with any sense of self I had left. And I desperately don’t want the saying “You just grow out of it” to ring true to me and my situation. Was it my efforts and hard work that took me out of the self-destructive cycle, or did I grow out of it?

I can’t talk about Borderline recovery when I am not experiencing it, and I don’t know if I’m happy about feeling free from it yet…

Eating Disorder Clinic Anxiety

It has been very clear through my lack of posts that something is occupying me.

I can’t really get my thoughts down on any topic because, I have this constant presence in my mind telling me I’m not sick enough for this eating disorder program I signed up for 9 months ago.

Since then, I have put back on the weight that I lost, but it doesn’t change the mindset. I am so convinced that I will be turned away and, that I will spiral out of control for them to listen to me.

Since the age of 14, I’ve been struggling with an eating disorder, but my body weight didn’t always reflect this. I would be bedroom/bathroom/gym bound, refusing meal after meal, and struggling after every piece of food I ate. The summer going into 10th grade, I rollerbladed every day, sometimes several times a day, in the hot July sun, trying to reach a weight that I deemed beautiful for my new school. I was barely eating that whole summer, and making up for the food I refused in deep cuts all over my body.

I’ve been trying to fight this competitive voice in my head that keeps telling me to starve like crazy until my appointment, but I’ve tried not to, and have been successful thus far. But, with a week to spare until I sit in that appointment and finally confess years of self-destruction, I find myself more disappointed in my body than ever.

I can’t help but feel disappointed in my decision to fight the eating disorder until then. I’ve told myself repeatedly that they will only believe me if my body is proof. My boyfriend tried to discourage this thought process, and it’s worked. I don’t feel any better, though.

I am truly scared that they will look me up and down, and say “Go home!”

Living in a new home with a new group of people whom I’ve told my issues to, makes me feel I should starve more than I do. I’ve been doing well in keeping myself fed and healthy, though I’m a few pounds short of what my doctor wanted me to be. I get worked up by telling myself they think I’m faking it and that I should prove my disorder, somehow.

I’m conflicted in this instant. I am not having a good day. My thoughts are scattered and I don’t think I even got a portion of them down in this post.

I will try to be more present. If not here, on my social media (Facebook, twitter, Instagram).

I apologize for the hiatus.

 

The Big Move

I had no choice but to move.

I had a good job, was attending regular therapy and had a group of writer friends I met up with twice a month. It didn’t matter how many good things I had going on because, I couldn’t live at home anymore.

The atmosphere, the environment, my family… None of it was healthy, and I couldn’t go forward with those types of barriers. And thus, I had to make the decision for my safety and mental health. I packed my belongings and made my way to the city.

It’s only been a few days and I can already feel myself thrive off this independency and the people I am living with. I feel more understood, I am receiving more respect and feel an equality in the home.

My room is set up with my pet rabbit, fairy lights, a media centre for leisure, collectibles on a shelf and a beautifully coloured mint wall that makes everything feel fresh and safe.

I’ve been able to be productive without that heavy weight of depression sitting on my shoulders. I can walk, remember things, feel motivation and have that want to be productive.

Things feel like they’re finally coming into place.

Though, I must remind myself that nothing will ever be perfect. There will be bumps in the road, and I would be letting myself down if I expected things to be perfect.

My goals include:

• Keeping things under control, including emotions and reactions
• Making daily schedules
• Putting out consistent blog posts
• Getting involved in social groups and fighting my social anxiety
• Continuously evolving as a person

This move is a positive change, as hard as it was to make it here and as hard as it will be to get used to.

I never want to be homeless or dependent on my mother again.

Scouting for Beta Readers!

I am scouting for Beta Readers for my up and coming novel. The draft has just been completed and now, it’s on to the editing. The process will begin after the Holiday season.

(Scroll to the bottom for the Survey)

What is a Beta Reader?

A Beta Reader is someone who will gain access to chapters during the editing process to provide their opinions, suggestions, notice inconsistencies and point out plot holes, before the book is professionally edited. They will be interviewed and contacted after they have read, asked a list of questions, and their critiques will be taken into account. Beta readers also serve to test the demographic or audience of a book, and they can point out what they would prefer for content.

Beta Expectations?

• If you are chosen for the Beta process, you will be trusted with edited copies of the book. It is a given that you will not plagiarize the content.
• You will receive chapters, and I will expect that you make notes about any inconsistencies, or things you didn’t particularly like.
• I will include a questions page with the chapters so that you can enter your answers into the document, and save us both time in interviews.
• We will then have an interview over Skype or Facebook and discuss your reading experience. I expect criticism; I urge you to criticize the content.
• You will be asked questions regarding the experience.
• I will take your feedback and adjust my work based on that.

It is important to note that the piece you will be getting will not be the final copy. The copy you receive and that will be released may be vastly different.

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What is this novel about?

This novel is about Jeffrey Dahmer, and the psychology behind the crimes he committed. It takes a personal step into his life, using real facts, but adding fiction to describe his position in his ordeal.

That is the most content I will provide at this time.

Length?

The novel will run between approximately 70 000 – 75 000 words, which is between 280-300 pages for a paperback novel.

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Note that it can be a lengthy process, but will be rewarding. You’ll be able to have your own opinion taken into account in a future novel! You may also be able to contribute in the choosing of the title!

Sadly, no monetary compensation will be provided.

If you are interested, please fill out this survey (length: 10 min max). I will be looking for around 20 individuals from different age groups.

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Click here to take a survey to be considered for the Beta process.

When I have earned enough responses, I will contact everyone who applied.

If you have any questions, comments or concerns, please drop them in the comment section.

Update: You Will NOT Bring Me Down

source: unknown. Do not own.

I have been struggling with being put down, insulted and underrated lately by someone I love very much. I have tried to express the pain they are causing me over time but they are not expressing any desire to better themselves or return effort. I can’t wait around anymore.

This person seems to strive on making me miserable because they themselves are miserable and I can’t take it anymore. But, I am going to choose a whole different path than the old me would have.

In the past, I would’ve bundled up in bed, cried, locked myself away… For DAYS. Not this time around.

I have started a project that is very important to me (that I will announce upon completion) and NOBODY will stop me. They don’t like it, that’s none of my business. Their notions of my work, or what they think is a lack of work, is none of their business. I will complete it and when I do, I will know, for myself, how wrong they were.

I can’t keep sulking. I am going to power through my depression, my trichotillomania, my BPD, my anxiety and my self harm/suicidal thoughts to get to where I want to be. I will pour my heart into this. I will not let myself lose track of my work and I will create.

Every day will be a challenge, but I am will not give in. This is MY life and it’s high time I take it back.

 

UPDATE: Grad Week

Due to it being prom and grad week, there may not be posts until the upcoming week.

Have a good Canada Day/Fourth of July!

Welcome to Sloth Speed Recovery

Sloth Speed Recovery, here on wordpress, aims to provide those in recovery, or seeking recovery, tools and assistance in feeling their best and overcoming whatever comes their way. The assistance provided can also be influenced on what you are looking for, as I would thoroughly appreciate your input so I may share things that will best suit you. In addition, it will be my own personal refuge where I will share my story and how I am coping with the current occurrence and self-destructive behaviours I’ve developed.

I hope that this will be a refuge for those who need it and that you will power through your recovery.

NOTE: It should be expected that the look of this blog will change often in its early days, as I learn more about its functions.

Other recovery accounts:

My recovery tumblr: http://www.slothspeedrecovery.tumblr.com

Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/slothrecovery/boards/

7 Cups: https://www.7cupsoftea.com/@MJslothspeedrecovery